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When You Marry Him, You’re Also Marrying His ‘Ex’

Knowing What Drives The Former Wife Helps New Marriages Succeed

Nearly one in three brides who walk down the aisle this month will gain stepchildren along with a husband.* Most of these women will also acquire a relation they’d like to ignore: their husband’s former wife. She may not be invited to the wedding, but the “ex” is bound to be an important presence in the couple’s life.

“Peacefully co-existing with the children’s mother is crucial,” according to stepfamily expert and author Karon Phillips Goodman. Not only do children feel more secure when divorced parents work well together, a good relationship with a former spouse improves the odds that the new marriage will survive.

Goodman recommends that couples first determine what is motivating the ex-wife, and respond appropriately. She offers the following scenarios:

She’s simply concerned about the welfare of her child(ren). If this is the case, you can alleviate her concern by showing her how well you take care of them.

She’s jealous. Reassure her that the new woman on the scene isn’t trying to replace her as the children’s mother.

She’s angry. You can’t control her anger, but you can control how it affects you. Distance yourself as much as possible, and avoid fueling the fire.
She’s hurting. Genuine hurt may keep her from acting reasonably. Give her time to heal—and hope that she finds someone new in the meantime!

She’s unstable. If she truly has a mental disorder, there isn’t much you can do, other than taking it into account when you must interact.

She’s just plain mean. This type of “ex” (fortunately rare) will make your life a living hell. Work through legal channels, but be warned: your path won’t be easy.

“Her motivation may change from day to day, but you always have the power to decide how to respond,” Goodman says. “Stay focused on being the best parent you can be. Do your part to get along by being as reasonable as you can. Hard as this may be to believe, she may become a valuable ally a few years down the road.”

Goodman is the author of It’s Not My Stepkids—It’s Their Mom!, about ways to improve the ex-wife/second wife relationship, as well as The Stepmom’s Guide to Simplifying Your Life, winner of a Gold Award from National Parenting Publications. Both were published by EquiLibrium Press, Culver City, California.

It’s Not My Stepkids is sold as a 56-page booklet or as an e-book, only through the publisher’s website, www.equipress.com. The booklet retails for $9.95; the e-book for $8.95. The Stepmom’s Guide (ISBN 096673937X; $14.00) is available from booksellers nationwide, as well as from the publisher.

To receive a media kit or a review copy of either book, or to request an interview with Karon Goodman, please call Susan Goland at (310) 417-8217; fax: (310) 417-8122; e-mail: reviewers@equipress.com.

*Statistic from the Census Bureau.

Ready to go interview questions and answers:

What made you decide to write a book dedicated to the ex-wife/second wife relationship?

I often write on stepfamily issues, including a monthly newsletter, so I hear from a lot of stepmoms about the challenges they face. Over and over, frustration with the children’s mother comes up as the biggest headache. When we asked stepmoms for anecdotes and advice to include in The Stepmom’s Guide, we received more related to the “ex” than any other topic.

Are ex-wife/second wife relationships always as bleak as those you portray in It’s Not My Stepkids?

Not at all! There are many, many former spouses who are sensible, mature, and caring, who try to always do what’s best for the kids. Unfortunately, many ex-wives are not as reasonable, and the book is mainly addressed to the couples who are dealing with them.

How can a family protect itself from unreasonable intrusions by the kids’ mom?

It’s very important to take good care of yourself when dealing with a difficult “ex,” including giving yourself and your family some space. It can mean screening phone calls or having Caller ID. You may choose not to give her your cell phone number or e-mail address. More extreme cases may require a restraining order, picking up the children in a public place, or even moving out of the area.

What can a wife do when her husband won’t stand up to his “ex”?

She can help him distinguish between legitimate requests (to change visitation, for example) and manipulation for the sole purpose of interfering with your life. Give him some stock phrases to use (“We have plans.” “Let me check the calendar.”) so that he can’t be pressured to answer her immediately. Remind him that his obligations to his current marriage are more important than any he may have to her.

Why is it important to document any bad behavior on the mom’s part?

There are several reasons. First, it gives you facts to focus on, instead of the emotions of a situation. Records mean you won’t have to rely only on your memory of what took place. The documents will be very helpful should you end up in court. And if she keeps you away from the kids, the records may be valuable someday to show them what really happened.

What can a second wife do when she must share a big event with an “ex”?

Remember that the event isn’t about her, and focus instead on the reason everyone has gathered, whether it’s a holiday, a graduation, or a funeral. Stay cool, keep any unpleasant thoughts to yourself, and relish the thought that it will all be over in a few hours or less.

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome, and how can couples combat it?

PAS is when a parent effectively programs the children against the other parent, often to the point that the parent is completely shut out of the children’s lives. Parents in this situation need good legal representation, of course. But they also should try to stay involved as much as possible. They can show up at a school event, for example, even if they won’t be able to speak to their child.

What should a stepmom do when the “ex” lies to the children?

She should never, ever, speak ill of the “ex,” other than to her husband and attorney. But if the mom blatantly lies, the stepmom should calmly lay out the facts for the children, saying that their mom made a “mistake.” Tell the children you’ll never lie to them—and keep that promise.

Have you had any “ex-wife experiences” in your own marriage?

Definitely! When my husband and I first married, I would hide upstairs and peek out of a window whenever she picked up or dropped off the kids. I managed to avoid facing her for a couple of years—and we live in a small town. Gradually, I became more relaxed in her presence. When she sent me a gift to thank me for taking care of the kids while she dealt with a family crisis, I knew we had really turned a corner.