A
TALE FROM THE BLENDER
I
didn’t think so. But here you are, surrounded by unnatural relationships that
you never expected to have, and probably even defining yourself by them. Even if
becoming a stepmom wasn’t part of your original plans, it is the life that you
have chosen. With a strong spirit and clear goals, you can simplify the
complicated relationships that came along with it.
Stepfamily
relationships are never easy. Your future is clouded by the past, and your
present seems to exist at the whim of others. You make repairs to your heart and
requests for sanity on a daily basis. You may feel, for example, that talking
your way out of an IRS audit would be easier than coming to an agreement with
your stepchildren’s mom. True, you may not be able to make her sing your
praises far and wide. But you can
simplify your relationship with her.
You
can do the same with all the other people in your life—yes, the same ones who
repeatedly misunderstand, misrepresent, misuse, and misguide you. Take heart.
Although you can’t change someone else, you can change yourself,
replacing fear and resentment with security and growth. You can manage the
challenging parts of your relationships and enjoy the fulfilling
parts. It’s your choice. Start today.
Look
back, but just
once
What
kinds of changes do you want to make in your family relationships? Whether you
want to repair your relationship with your ex-husband or build a relationship
with your husband’s ex-wife, grow closer to your stepson or enrich your
marriage, you can enhance your efforts by controlling what’s yours to control.
You can simplify these very complicated relationships with the powers of perspective,
restraint, abundance and forgiveness.
We’ll get to these soon. But first, let’s take a look backwards, just for a
moment.
One reason that stepfamily relationships can be so difficult is that they often are tied to a complex and painful past. Becoming a stepmom certainly wasn’t a route you expected your life to take. Your personal history, though, and the relationships that came from it remain a part of who you are, and your husband’s past and his relationships will always be with him. That’s a lot of baggage for one marriage to carry. Your survival and growth will depend on being able to put the past behind you and focus on the future’s potential and promise.
But
before you can move forward into the kind of life you want, you must accept the
past. You only complicate your life when you view the past as if it were a play
for which you could write a new ending. It's elementary physics: you can't
control what already has happened. Instead, you must accept difficult parts of
your lives, and reconcile your feelings about events and people so that your
focus is on healing, not hurting. As you review the past treat it, and the
relationships it created, as cast-in-stone facts:
You
can’t change the fact that your husband was once married to another woman.
You can’t change the fact that your husband is loyal to the children they had together.
You can’t change the fact that you may have suffered your own
divorce or broken relationship.
You can’t change the fact that your ex-husband may still be in your life
because of children you had together.
You can’t change these facts, but you can change your attitude--from resentment to acceptance, from despair to promise. The goal is to spend your energy moving toward the future, rather than reliving the past. It's a simple yet powerful choice.
A
TALE FROM THE BLENDER
Realize that your presence is painful to the ex-wife beyond anything you can imagine. You have taken her place. That hurts. Her children will talk about you when they go home to her. That hurts. Her children may be affectionate with you in front of her. That hurts. Her children may prefer to sit on your lap instead of hers at a function you both attend. That really hurts. As annoying and bitchy as she may be, remember that almost everything that you do with her kids is a threat to her and hurts her. Some moms are more mature than others, but all are hurt by the presence of the stepmom at some point. You must be compassionate. -- Kathi
Sometimes we hold on to grudges and anger and hurts far too long. We grasp on to everything that's ever happened to us as if our lives depend on it. But in this case, our lives depend on letting go. You'll never fulfill the best of your future if you continue to be haunted by the past. You can let it go if you choose to, even if that seems impossible.
You
don’t have to approve of everything that happened in the past or justify it or
like it. Just accept it. Mending family relationships and building new ones all
at once is difficult. You make it even tougher when you fight the past instead
of reconciling yourself to it. Acknowledge events that have happened and move
on. Bear in mind that although the past isn’t completely going away, it does
become farther and farther in the past
every day.
Focus
on what lies within your control—and what doesn’t. It is not
in your control to change the past, even the ugly parts that you’ve been
grieving over for months or even years. It is not in your control to eliminate all awkward interactions. It is not
in your control to change other people, much as you might like to do that in
some cases! Instead, you can adjust your attitude to help yourself. That
is well within your control.
A TALE FROM THE BLENDER
My husband has had total responsibility for his son since he was an infant. He is fiercely proud of that, and takes any inference that things could be done differently as a personal insult. We do discuss things, but it's mostly to let me know how things are going to be done. It has become obvious that what he wants is for someone to raise his son his way, and to keep her own ideas about parenting to herself. I am in the process of turning all parenting responsibility back to Dad. It is difficult, because I know I could do better, but I must back off and let father and son sink or swim. -- A stepmom from Pennsylvania
Though
the past is already written, you control a part of your future when you simplify
the everyday interactions with the people in your life. There are four powers
that you can use to simplify your relationships, starting right now. Even if
they have little visible effect on anyone else, they are mighty nonetheless
because of what they give
to you. These powers allow you to
overcome extraordinary challenges and difficult people and concentrate instead
on what is most important to you: working toward your goals. Use these powers
every day and be amazed at the peace they
breathe into your life.
I’m not about to tell you that dealing with your new family won’t hurt from time to time. Nor am I going to tell you that you should be able to ignore criticisms and misunderstandings. What I am going to ask you to do is to keep it all in perspective. Take the pressure off yourself to repair, build, or even understand your relationships so quickly.
Losing
perspective is much too easy for any stepmom. It’s almost impossible not to
lose sight of your goals when you’re laboring in the trenches day
to day. There are too many people to please and too many places to fail.
Sometimes you do fail. At those times,
the relationships that define your life can begin to look like prison bars. It
becomes hard to find one single reason to keep facing these overwhelming
challenges, and even harder to believe that you will ever
accomplish any of your goals. That’s when you have to get some perspective and
regain control over this part of your life.
One
failure will not destroy your relationship. You are living proof that people get
second chances and that something very good can
come out of very sad circumstances. Not everything is a tragedy, so don’t
get stuck in your missteps. I used to let one misspoken word ruin an
entire weekend, until I saw that not only was this a terrible waste of time and
energy, it showed a lack of faith in myself and my family. Later, when I looked
at what had happened more objectively, I realized we could overcome this and any
future mini-crises. In the big picture of our lives together, this was a tiny
dot.
Don’t
let little problems consume you. Stop, take a breath, look at each episode for
what it is, and don’t turn it into anything more. If you really do act like a
wicked stepmother on a given day, that isolated event need not cloud the vision
you have for your family. Put the issue into its proper perspective, and then
get back to your life. Keep focused on repairing
and building your relationships, and on reaching your goals. Don’t get
sidetracked by the misunderstandings and hurt feelings that are part of
everyone’s life, not only a stepmom’s.
Your
mistakes may feel bigger because
you’re a stepmom, but they’re not. They’re actually lessons on the way to
your goals. When you view your mistakes as learning tools, they become far less
threatening. Use them to move closer to your goals, instead of farther away.
Your power of perspective will get you through the tough times. Stay focused on
the learning, not the failing.
A
TALE FROM THE BLENDER
I have learned to detach emotionally from my stepkids. That doesn't mean I don't love them and care about them; it means I am not emotionally invested in them the same way I am with my biological children. When my stepkids mess up, as children inevitably do, I don't have to take it personally or feel like it's all my fault. They have two parents, and I'm not one of them. That realization alone was a great relief. -- Polly
The
powers of restraint, abundance, and forgiveness
are explained on pages 88-105 of "The Stepmom's Guide"
ORDER
NOW!